Has it ever happened to go crazy over someone without knowing why? I suspect the answer is “yes”. “Love at first sight” some call it. Never happened to me. But I get something very similar, I would call it “love at first impression”.

Some time ago I went to a Microsoft Summit in Eastern Europe, lots of geeks everywhere and obviously, I was among them. And while my company sent me there to make connections and seek the latest trends in software development, I discovered something entirely different: what makes me fall for someone.

Ever since my high school years I was the odd one when it came to girls, I liked them but I was not particularly interested in them. I knew I was not gay since guys represented a far less appealing sexual interest for me. But still, I pissed a lot of friends for not hooking up with that hot, awesome girl who everyone wanted to date and was only interested in me. Even my last girlfriend was afraid I might be gay, since my interest in “hot” girls seemed in her opinion “shallow” and “artificial”. Now I know why…

In the second day at this IT summit there was a presentation about “Windows Security”. As it turned out, this was less of a presentation but a beginner’s guide to hacking Windows 8.1. The speaker was a Polish girl, probably in her late 20s, blonde and relatively slim, couldn’t really make-out anything else since my myopia prevented me from clearly discerning her physical appearance. As the presentation went on, I became increasingly more fascinated by her (I cannot remember her name). She knew her away around Windows like no one I have seen before, the way she talked with a genuine sense of modesty, the way she was running those scripts and shell commands, her knowledge, speed and expertise were simply astounding, to me at least. At this point I didn’t care how she looked anymore, I was going crazy, and wanted to make love to her right there on that stage!

Fortunately, she was married.

As the presentation ended I remained in my seat stupefied, realising that even though I hardly knew how this person looked like (except she was physically fit), I couldn’t get her out of my mind. It took me a while to realise that this wasn’t my first time. Many years before, I had a similar experience with another very smart girl. So then it hit me – knowledge, intelligence and genuine modesty are a combination that simply makes me go crazy. No wonder I don’t find popular celebrities “hot”, they hardly qualify for these three characteristics.

Attraction may have nothing to do with pure physical appearance. As long as they are healthy looking, you can find someone hot for their mind and personality.

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It is pointless to hide my pessimistic view of the world, a view that took shape in time and it’s very hard to shake away – too many compromises, too many mistakes, too many unfulfilled dreams, too much reality.
Normally I should give up on everything and throw myself off a bridge, but despite all this, I keep soldiering on, sustained not by the hope of success, but by the feeling of responsibility; responsibility for the world that made me. I am part of the world I live in (all of it, from family to galaxies); I am made by it, shaped by it – and in a larger sense – a manifestation of it. I exist because “it” deems that I should exist and thus, in turn I work for it – in a loose sense I could say I feel responsible for making a “better world”. From another perspective, I could argue that if the purpose of my life is meaningless then my existence must be pointless, but if that was true then I wouldn’t exist – since nothing exists by chance, it’s all caused by something (see theoretical physics).  Thus, if I am here then there’s must be a point to all this, unless of course the universe is one big joke, which may very well be.
Thus, I keep rolling on thinking that one day, the world that made me will require me to give something back, here’s to  “hoping an inch of good is worth a pound of years” (Ray Bradbury).

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